Today, the silence wins

All my life I have tried for more than I deserve.
I've spoken out when it wasn't popular. I failed to put on protective armor around my emotions and my truth, and I wandered through the world as though it wasn't trying to silence me – one jab, one dismissal, one rejection – at a time.
Whenever I've been confronted with a choice of giving in or digging in – I dug in harder. I worked harder, sacrificed more. I took the minimum wage job and set an alarm for 4 a.m. I tried again the first month after the miscarriage. I shook off the rejection. I chose to persevere.
When you respond this way, after long enough, people figure you can handle it. They figure it's all good, that you are like Teflon and you don't need their help.
Maybe I participated in that perception, but if I did it was unwillingly, only out of a deeply held terror about what it might mean for the world to sense my vulnerability.
In fifth grade my two best girl friends abruptly decided that we were no longer friends and decided to spend their year mocking me and turning the class against me.
I turned their hatred inward, because if you already know your enemy's worst thoughts about you and say them to yourself, you will never be surprised.
I wrote a paper about what it felt like to be the object of the bullies' merciless teasing, the reject of the class.
My fifth-grade teacher grabbed it and read it aloud to my former friends. They all laughed.
"This is how Angie expresses herself. In writing," my teacher said, giggling.
Since then I've thought of writing, my inmost passion and greatest gift, as something slightly shameful. The words inside me are powerful because I know they are not my own, and they rebel against me when I keep them imprisoned inside, as much as it would be safer for me to do so.
So much today wants to rise up out of me and be written about, but I no longer feel safe writing it. I have fought so long to claim my space in a world that desires my silent complicity that don't think I can do it anymore – but also I cannot share the reasons why because they would expose me as an outsider – one whom the world has consistently persuaded to shut up while I blithely ignored the world's desire to be rid of my voice.
Until today. Today, the silence wins. A person can only ignore the world's wishes for so long.الخبر منشور أولا فى الموقع يتبع الرابط اعلاه

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